Only a short couple weeks ago I was beating myself up for keeping myself in overload. I was thinking about how I’ve seemed to overwhelm myself to only distract myself from anything and everything else in life that I didn’t want to face. I thought, perhaps, that it was only another mode of avoidance.
I have a history of avoiding things. I like to play pretend with the idea that if I choose to ignore things they will go away. In ignoring things, I seclude myself. I shut down. I hole myself up and only come out when absolutely am demanded to do so.
I wanted to change. I wanted out of the depression. I wanted to force myself out of avoidance.
I wanted it so badly that I decided to take on anything and everything I could. I was attending events at my Center several times a week, being away from home nightly, taking on many extra projects, all so I wouldn’t come home and go straight to bed so I could just avoid things more.
At first it was great, though I quickly began to feel the overwhelm of overload. I got cranky, was very tired and began questioning myself why I chose to take it all on. I began second-guessing the responsibility I was assuming, and at some point, during a brief moment of downtime, I came to the conclusion that I was only doing it to avoid avoiding, but in doing just that, I was only avoiding in a different way.
Even though it may not have been a conscious decision, I think that deep within me, I thought that If I preoccupy myself and don’t allow myself the time to stop and think, then I won’t have to think about anything. And then, since I had made strides at making such great progress at learning to not avoid things but came to the conclusion I was doing it anyhow, I decided to condemn myself for it.
I guess overload wasn’t the answer.
But I was thinking the other day, there is no answer. I was talking with a friend of mine and she mentioned how she was trying to keep herself busy to keep her mind off things and that it did well for her. I agreed with her, it was good. But, if it could be good for her, why would I beat myself up for doing the same thing?
And then I realized, it doesn’t matter. None of it matters. It doesn’t matter if I spend three days in bed or if I go three days without sleeping because I’ve overloaded myself with tasks and responsibilities. None of it means a thing; except what I do with it. Except for what feels good, except for what feels right.
Is what I’m doing, in either case, serving my higher purpose? Is what I’m doing, whatever it is I choose to do, aligning me with my greater good? Is what I’m doing bringing me closer to the person I’m striving to be?
Doing what feels right, that’s the only right answer.
So, I will continue with the tasks that meet that criteria, that fulfill me, and discard the rest. Whether it be a lazy day of doing absolutely nothing so I can block life out for just a little while, or a day where I’m loaded with things that need to be done that keep me awake until 2am; as long as it feels right, I’m going to do it – and I’m not going to beat myself up over any of it.