I woke this morning in a panic. I noticed the wrenching knot in my stomach that was causing me to ball up in a fetal position. I experienced feelings of guilt and shame that so regularly cloud my mind. I could hear and feel my heart pound through my body. I felt the dirtiness, that so frequently takes over my being, envelop me.
I felt the fear instantly consume me.
I felt dread overtake me as I sat in contemplation of each dream I had last night. They were dreams of terror, powerlessness, loss, abuse, physical pain and mental torture. As I lie awake and aware, each dream came back to me, vivid and stark. Each dream came back to me, so clearly, as if I was dreaming all over again. Every perfect detail dancing in my head, each image flashing by in fine focus, each scene bleeding into the next.
And as I lie in bed this morning after I woke, I held onto the feelings. I let the emotion overwhelm me. I let uneasiness wash over me. These are feelings I’m all too accustomed to experiencing. Theses are feelings that have inhabited my brain space for far too long.
These are feelings I refuse to give into anymore.
Still fresh in my mind, I analyze each dream. I recognize each theme and pinpoint the fear that portrays. Before the memories fade, I find the meaning of each, and look for the lesson contained within. Each dream’s message rings loud and clear. Each dream exposes the weakness in my spirit and fear of upcoming events that I’ve been shying away from. Each dream uncovers the smallness I’ve held myself in and allows me to step into the largeness that I am, as I am of God.
As I pull myself away from the fear, I gaze from my window and watch the rain pour down, I recognize the cleansing that’s taking place within me. I feel connected with it, as it washes away all that no longer serves me and gives life to new, beautiful things. There is work to do on my part, it’s apparent. As I would normally allow these feelings and conditions to taint my day, I take a different approach. As I would normally allow this to hold me down, I rise boldly as I stuff these fears into my back pocket.
I face the day with anticipation of miracles.
I welcome the experience that Life has to offer me as I let go of the need to hang on to the fear that has only seemingly kept me safe. I embrace the life that is mine and claim it. I find gratitude in my ability to work through and process that which has only ever beat me down.
My God, guide me today. Keep me safe in Your embrace. Keep my mind sane as I turn from the fear that’s held me captive for far too long. Flow through me, animating my every move, my every step. Drench me in Your Spirit each moment, invoking within me that Essence that is You. Perfect Spirit surround me, Perfect Spirit hold me. Loving Source of all Good remind me to love myself today, remind me that I am perfect and whole as a beautiful expression of You. My Blessed, bring forth the remembrance that I am just in claiming Goodness of Life that awaits me, the peace of mind that calms me, the sureness of step that leads me. And for this empowerment, I am so very grateful knowing I don’t have to do this on my own. I meet You with sweet thanks for directing me and loving me and holding Your hand out for me to follow You. And thank you, God, for seeking me, for calling me to You, calling me to that Something that is so much bigger than myself; for calling me to Your perfection and grace; for providing me the knowingness that even You are incomplete without me. In love, greatness, and wholeness, I stand firm in this awareness that is You as I move forward through the day. Amen.