Why has it still been so hard for me?
Why is it that I’ve allowed myself to continue struggling? Why is it that it’s been so hard for me to accept the great things in life? Why has it been so hard for me to let go and let the good things come to me?
In some sense, I guess that I felt I was still undeserving of anything good. I know that I’ve mentioned it before – why is it that I keep coming back to this? Despite the growth I’ve experienced the past few months, despite the support and encouragement I’ve received, despite everything that is in my favor, I still feel the need to sell myself short. I still tell myself, “I can’t be an artist and photographer and writer and freelancer of any sort for a living, I’m not good enough and I don’t deserve it.”
I still tell myself that I can’t have any of that good that the Universe is so freely handing to me.
I over-saturate my Facebook timeline with positive quotes, words of encouragement and affirmations of how perfect it can all be. Perhaps in flooding my Facebook page, I’m trying to convince myself – I’m trying to beat it into my brain that good things can happen; a great life can be had. If I post it enough on Facebook, it’s sure to come true eventually, right? The truth is, I can post all day long, but if I refuse to claim it for myself, it will never happen.
I still struggle with insecurities, I still struggle with the idea of a God that plays favorites, I still struggle with the thought that there is some sort of criteria that I will never meet in order to have that life that will fulfill me. If you would have asked me if this was a problem, I would have denied it. Maybe I’ve still just been trying to convince myself. Maybe I’ve still felt undeserving. Maybe, maybe, maybe. My dear friend likes to say, “There’s a difference between knowing something intellectually and embodying it.”
There is a difference, I’m a sure demonstration of that.
Although I went through my usual Sunday morning debate about whether or not I’ll go, I made it to the Sunday service yesterday morning, which is always the outcome anyhow. Though, I was feeling something peculiar. I wasn’t in a bad mood, but was definitely off. I felt tired, but had had plenty of sleep. I attributed my demeanor, initially, as trying to thwart the sadness and depression that could have been trying to creep back in, as it usually does. The past few months I’ve been in such a different space, have encountered so many emotions and have often just let everything get the best of me. Although I love attending services each Sunday, I let my ego try telling me otherwise. I play pretend and proclaim, “I really don’t want to go.” But this isn’t just for the services, this is for everything: my Tuesday night group, as well as any other services and activities going on. I let my ego let me believe that it’s so much better here in my quiet retreat and that it’s all safer here.
On so many levels, in so many ways, I am working hard to keep myself small.
I’m always glad I end up going, always, but getting there is a constant struggle. I sat in my normal spot and agreed that being there was an okay thing. I agreed to let the resistance fall away at the door, as I always do, and agreed that I would be as present as possible to take it all in. The service began and progressed as normal. We sang and greeted each other, we prayed and listened to announcements. Our Senior Minister took her spot on the platform and began talking. I watched and listened for a few minutes, as I always do. And then there was the pull.
In an instant I was sucked in. I don’t know if it was something specific she said, perhaps we made eye contact while she was talking and it caught my attention, but regardless of how – there it was. I listened so intently, letting her words soak in and hung on to every single one of them.
“Everything goes from the invisible to the visible. But there is one more thing we have to do: There is One Life, that Life is God’s Life, that Life is perfect – but we can’t leave it there. We have to add, ‘that life is my life now.’
There is One Life, that Life is God’s Life, that Life is perfect – we cant just leave it there because we leave ourselves out of the picture. We have to put ourselves into that Energy, into that big ball of Life that is there, otherwise that’s separation from God. That is the only problem we ever have. That is the only problem there ever is – is a separation from God. Only one. So if there is One Life and that Life is perfect, I have to claim it. And I move on and I have to claim all of my life: the good, the bad, the indifferent…because I begin to claim all of me the moment that I do that.”
There it was. There was the reason I was meant to be there. That was what I was supposed to hear. I’m known for not being able to cry, but there were the tears, a lot of tears. The only problem is a separation from God and I have to claim all of my life: the good, the bad, the indifferent. I sat through the rest of her talk with tears streaming down my face.
There is no separation from God. The only separation is the that which I imagine there is. It keeps me small, it holds me down, it keeps me from being who I am. It keeps me from being the person God intends me to be. I am of God and I am One with It.
I move forward today, keeping the veil of separation lifted. I move forward today, finally, holding true to the idea that it isn’t unfolding perfectly, it already is. I move forward today knowing that my will is God’s will. I move forward today in peace and joy, claiming all the success available to me.