There was a spark that ignited something within me a couple weeks ago. As usual, I’ve been on a hiatus from writing here, publicly. The reasons are many, but no doubt a result of said spark.
What it comes down to is that I’ve finally found myself.
It cannot be argued that I’ve turned heads, frustrated people, angered people, let some people down. But I’ve decided to let all of that go. None of that matters to me – I can’t afford to let it matter to me anymore.
With my writing and publishing here, it got to the point where I only did it to hold on to readership. I only did it to get numbers. I only did it take part in some lame popularity contest that I won’t get into (simply because it no longer matters to me). I only did it to try proving my worth to others. I only did it to serve other people.
But this whole finding myself thing goes far beyond how often I decided to write or not write and publish on a blog. It’s about how I’ve taken my life back. It’s about finally finding myself. It’s about knowing what I want and setting out to have it; no excuses, no regrets and definitely no apologies.
I’ve found that some of my friendships and relationships are being tested. I’ve found that things have gotten interesting in the workplace (to say the least). But most importantly, I’ve found that letting it all go, at any cost, has changed my perception of myself for the better, has allowed me to be truly happy with myself and the world around me, and has enabled me to get through the day not questioning, not wondering, not worrying.
I’ve found that I’ve learned to let go of the details, let go of the control, let go of how I think it all should be and go with the flow. I’ve found myself present in the moment, I’ve found myself centered, I’ve found myself loving every single minute of right now.
This all started a couple weeks ago when I got turned down for my 7th opportunity at work for a job change/promotion. At first I was angry and depressed and withdrawn. I felt far beyond betrayed. How the hell can I believe in myself if no one else can? I let myself have 5 minutes of being pissed at the world, of being a victim, of blaming everything and everyone for my circumstance. During those dreadful 5 minutes, the thought occurred to me, “What if I just didn’t care anymore?”
In the past that thought has always been followed by a depressive sort of apathy. One in which I wanted to crawl away into my solitude and block the world out until I was able to somehow pull myself out of the darkness weeks or months later. But this time, the apathy was quite a bit more enlightening and positive.
I thought to myself, “What if I just let it all go? What if I decided to not hold on anymore and just…be…me? What if I just decide to be happy?”
All of this is normally out of the question for me. Normally, this is quite the feat that’s far beyond accomplishment. But this time I held onto the thought and decided to live it. Decided to hold onto it. Decided to embody it.
I’ve seen my share of conflict since. I’ve encountered jealousy, anger directed toward me, frustration, those that try to engage me, those that show me their defensive sides – even when they swear against being defensive. But I’ve felt the most liberated in being able to not engage back. There’s been something completely empowering about being able to look them back in the eye and know that their opinions, thoughts or arguments hold no power over me anymore.
If I don’t write enough to entertain you, so be it. If I laugh too much and too loudly, or seem
a bit far too obnoxious, well so it is. If you don’t like my brand or style of clothing, or my hair do, eh, what can I say? Don’t like the way I’m doing things? Then maybe I’m not the person for you. This is my world as I’m creating it. This is my life as I’m living it. Don’t think I’m good enough? It doesn’t matter to me. None of it matters to me. What matters is that I’m finally happy.
I’m living beyond imposed rules and expectations, of myself and everyone else. There are no “I should’s”, no “If only’s”, no wishes or can’s or cannot’s. There are no “I’m gonna be’s”, only “I am’s”. I’m a free spirit – happy and ecstatic, alive, thriving, successful at anything and everything I do and intend to do when that right now comes. For in this right now, if you wish to join me, I’d love to have you along. And if me not caring as much as you think I should bothers you, perhaps you could benefit from letting go of some of that too. The world without judgment is a beautiful, beautiful place.
Until next time, my friends, be well.