Ever just write when you have so much in your head and you can’t sort it out and you’ve written a jumbled mess that makes no sense, yet makes perfect sense at the same time? Yes, that’s where I’m at right now.
I was in a conversation the other day in which we were discussing writing and the therapeutic effects received from it. I mentioned that when I write, it’s usually a release; it’s a way for me to get out all the crap that clouds my head. We also discussed how sometimes writing allows one to process the situation or problem at hand and work through it – and perhaps even come to some conclusion and find some sort of resolution through the process of writing. The latter has rarely ever been the case for me, but I do have to say this is what happened as I wrote this.
This writing was originally intended to release a lot of the unhappiness and feelings of being stuck that I have been recently feeling. I started writing thinking I was unclear in my intentions of what I really want. I thought maybe I was being a bit too wish-washy in what I was putting out there and that I was complicating the outcome of my desired goals as a result. I thought that perhaps I was letting insecurities get in the way. I thought that just maybe I truly didn’t know what I want. I realize now that I do. I know good and well what I want and have done nothing short of making that perfectly and abundantly clear to the Universe.
I realize now that my lack of peace of mind comes from a lack of faith and sore impatience. I find that my misery is derived from the fact that I am getting caught up in the details and of wondering why the hell my situation will not improve. My discontent comes from the fact that I am refusing to let it go and let it be and not having faith that it is all working out as it should. Nitty, gritty details – I’m caught up in the swarm of them. I’m allowing myself to feel trapped and unhappy as I fail to realize that I can’t have it my way right now. I find that I want it all, but in wanting it all right now, it would surely lead to me not achieving all that I want.
I know that the writing is somewhat cryptic as I cannot yet add full disclosure on all the details of that which I refer to – and I apologize. Which, I know begs the question, “if I must conceal, why do I put it out there on a public forum in the first place?” I needed to write, I needed to sort out, and I know now that I needed to process it and work through it, which actually feels quite amazing right now. Truth be told, I probably would have just filed this post in with my other drafts that will likely never see the light of day, though the process of working it out and arriving at the conclusions I did made it publish-worthy (at least in my eyes).
Hopefully I’ve been able to come to the conclusions that will keep me hanging on for just a bit longer. I am now able to keep my eyes on the vision without getting caught up in all the damned details. I am able to now realize it’s not all that bad, I just need to remain rooted in faith and remember to have patience. I can now continue on, for just a bit longer, with peace of mind.
The words that follow are those that I originally wrote as I was trying to release that which was bothering me, along with the conclusions after I had some odd ah-ha moment:
“What you focus on expands.”
“Set your intention and be clear with it.”
“Energy flows where intention goes.”
“Once you make a decision, the Universe conspires to make it happen.”
“Change your thinking, change your life.”
“You have the creative power of God and you want to use that in a way that expresses and enhances your life. God being so loving says you get to have the experience you want. There’s no experience that’s off limits to you.”
What am I focused on? What is my intention? Where is my energy flowing? Have I really changed my thinking? Am I standing in the way of allowing myself to have the experience I want? What do I want?
Do I know what I want?
I think I know what I want: I want to be happy, I want to be free, I want to escape all that which confines me. What will make me happy and set me free and allow me to escape? I think I know what that is.
My focus is this: I want to move on – on to other things, better things, things I’m passionate about. I want to let go of that which I feel imprisons me, doesn’t serve me and that which I no longer want. Good. That is my focus, that’s good. However, behind that, I fear that I cannot achieve it, that I cannot have it. Perhaps I feel I’m undeserving, perhaps I think it impractical, perhaps I’m afraid of failure. Perhaps I have no faith in myself.
The Universe always says yes. Maybe I’m standing in my own way. I am setting my intention but with a lot of extra baggage that gets in the way; I’m not being clear with my intention. The Universe says, “Yes, you want to move on, but you think you can’t do it and so you can’t. And so it is.” I’m told, “Bless it. And let it go.”
I struggle with letting go. I’m sure many of us do – that’s a human function. A game of the ego. The need to control. Let it go. Let it go.
I do have to ask myself what it all means – what is the purpose? Why am I stuck? Why is it that I cannot break free from where I’m at and unravel the circumstance I’m wrapped up in. I’m reminded, “Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.” So, what do I need to know? What could there possibly be left for me to learn that I don’t already know? Aside from misery. I truly am miserable. Or perhaps, I simply need to keep in mind that “It’s all unfolding perfectly.”
What does it mean?! And then, I’m reminded to not apply meaning. But, I think it’s less about applying meaning and more about trying to find peace of mind, joy and contentment. Perhaps the circumstance will be all that much more tolerable if I can be assured it’s happening for a reason.
Failure and rejection – it seems to be a common theme the past few years. I strive for better, I strive for more. I work hard for better and more – yet it seems it’s never good enough. With each attempt to grow and better myself it always seems it’s not quite good enough; I’m not quite good enough. And that is where and why I feel trapped. I find that I feel there is nothing I can do to escape. And in that feeling, again, the Universe is saying, “Yes, you are trapped.”
“He replied, ‘You of little faith, why are you so afraid?’ Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.” Matthew 8:26
Why am I so afraid? All I need is faith. I require a shift from fear to faith. My peace of mind will come from letting go of fear and embracing faith. My success and ability to escape when I allow it to be. My goal will be reached once I let it be, without the feelings of inadequacy and fear.
Or wait. Just wait a minute. Perhaps it’s a matter of timing – I have to remember that right now I have a lotriding on my situation staying the same, at least for a couple more months.
And I complicate things. I over think things. I allow my emotions and impatience to get the best of me. Perhaps my fear is born of the fact that I’m afraid what I want to happen won’t because I cannot see the light. But it’s all in the timing, this is how it needs to be right now. Just right now. Maybe I am almost there and it really is all unfolding perfectly – how could it be otherwise? Patience. Faith. And now I remember that I can’t have it my way right now – because that screws other things up.
Take a step back. Breathe. It’s okay – it’s perfect. It’s all aligned. All is well, all is good. I’m close. Allow it to be and embrace the perfection. Let it go and let the Universe conspire.