I’m sitting here staring at my computer screen.  Thoughts clouding my brain, I’m unsure of what exactly I should write.  Though, I do recognize the urge to write at this very moment is a necessity.  At the most inopportune second possible, I realize that every single qualm, concern and fear comes down to one single fact:  I’m scared to live.

The pressure’s been building.

I find myself back at the far opposites of sleepless nights or nights in which I sleep far too much, but never just enough.  I find myself being pulled under the stormy waters, straining to grasp safety, while being pulled down even harder each time I try.  I find myself in physical pain from the struggle, the worry, fear and doubt.  I find myself wanting to shut everything and everyone out.  I find myself lost in overwhelm in every situation I’m in.

Everything, everything, is a daunting chore.  I struggle with getting up in the morning, struggle with getting out of bed, struggle with getting in the car and getting to work each day, struggle with coming home, struggle with eating, struggle with having conversations and maintaining relationships.  I struggle with everything.

My whole existence is now wrapped in struggle and pain.

I oppose everything for the sake of opposition.  I welcome confrontation just so I can focus on someone else and take the heat off of me, even if for just a little while.  I feel mostly anger, if anything at all.

I used to have such high hopes, big dreams and great intentions.  Somewhere along the way, I lost it all.  Somewhere along the way, I became small.  Somewhere along the way, I gave up.  What happened to the girl with the bright, sparkling eyes and big smile?  What happened to the girl who was so sure of herself that nothing could shake her?  What happened to the charm, the laughter and the love?

I feel lost.  I feel alone.  I feel broken.

But I don’t want to feel like that anymore.  I know that none of this is truly me.  I know that I am more than this.

Seven years, three hundred fifty-eight days ago, I was given two months to live.  Seven years, three hundred fifty-eight days ago, I was told that I wouldn’t make it to my next birthday.  Seven years, three hundred fifty-eight days ago, I was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer.

Seven years, three hundred fifty-eight days ago, I lost myself.

I don’t know who I’ve become, I don’t know who she is.  It’s a miracle I survived.  And while it’s been a blessing, it’s been just as much as a curse.  Surviving, as beautiful as it’s been, has only brought guilt, fear, anger, disbelief and shame.  I feel dirty.  I feel tainted.  I feel as if I’m rotting on the inside.  I can’t look at myself in the mirror without feeling pain.

How does one go on living when you’ve had the realization that it can all be taken from you in an instant?  How does one dream big when you realize they may always stay dreams because you’ll never get the chance to achieve them?  How does one learn to live and move on?  How does one learn to receive with the fear that receiving just means crossing things off your bucket list far too soon, and once the list is complete it’s all over?

I can’t live like that anymore.

After surviving, instead of knowing what to do with my life, I willed it into nothingness.  And I’m stuck.  I’m stuck in the what-ifs, in the how-comes and will-never-be’s.

What if I get my job, build my business, buy my house, live and love and there’s nothing else.  What else is there?  What if that’s it?

I’m afraid of dying, and scared to live.

I want to let all of it go.  I want to find myself.  I want to be me.  I want to love myself.  I want to feel deserving.  I want to feel love and be loved.  I want to dream big and have high hopes.  I want to not be scared anymore.  I don’t want to be scared to live.

 

Sia – Breathe Me

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame

Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me

Ouch, I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah, I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me

Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me