There I was, sitting with the others of the group, watching each of them as they spoke. Being the introvert I am, I’m fine letting others run the show as I quietly observe and only speak up when necessary. I hung onto each word that was said and watched their reactions to each other.
There was laughter and tears; jokes and jabs. And yet, I remained silent, quietly contemplating. There was a range of emotions flowing through me, though I know they weren’t the same emotions that everyone else was sharing. I have to admit my feelings were not as positive.
I felt a little angry, I felt a little anxious, I felt a little jealous.
I immediately recognized my emotions and drew my attention within, leaving them to their conversation. I wanted to analyze, I wanted to understand. I wanted to not let my feelings take over my day and leave me miserable. I needed to sit with my feelings.
I questioned myself as to why I wasn’t more a part of the conversation. I questioned myself as to why I wasn’t more a part of the group. I questioned myself as to why I didn’t feel like one of them.
And then I realized, it’s because I’m on a different level.
I won’t elaborate on the differences, but I know they’re there. And somehow, with my lesson for today being able to practice gratitude, I was able to find myself thankful that the differences are there. I was able to find gratitude in the fact that I’m not on the same level.
I spent the rest of the day sitting in that knowingness. Somehow knowing these differences allowed me to claim some sort of freedom I’ve not recognized before. And while doing my best to refrain from judgment, all of this allowed me to gain perspective on so many things about my life and how I relate to others. And in recognizing all these things, I now know why I’ve been experiencing such excessive anxiety and depression lately.
I’m being pulled to something else. Something so much bigger than where I’m at.
I was in deep conversation the other day with my Minster and she told me that my Energy is too big for where I’m at. I understood what she was saying, but I didn’t know what to make of it. I heard her, but not quite on this level. I’ve spent the days since our conversation trying to figure out why I can’t just allow my Energy to fit into the mold I want it to. I guess now I realize that it just doesn’t work that way. I guess now I realize that I was still so very attached to what I thought it should, and wanted it, to look like.
I sit back and reflect on the many times I’ve beat myself up because I just couldn’t understand my lack of ability to grow into something bigger, why I haven’t been able to relate. I sit back and ponder the countless times I’ve felt that something was wrong with me because things just never seem to work, the times I sat feeling broken because I’ve always tried to fit myself into the smallness of my circumstances.
It’s not the ability to grow that’s been lacking, it’s only been me keeping myself so very small.
It’s time that I let go of the way I want it to look and know that as I let go, I am moving forward. It’s time I stop recognizing this feeling as anxiety and cherish it as my Energy trying to escape the box I’ve been trying to stuff it into. It’s time I let my potential and perfection unfold as I allow myself to be pulled to something else; pulled to where I’m intended to be.
There is no worry here; no anxiety, no depression, no guilt or shame. There is only love of myself, of the bigness that is Spirit as me. There is only sweet anticipation of the gifts and joy that are already presenting themselves to me.
If you’re feeling anxiety, depression and uneasiness, take a step back. Look at your circumstances and make sure you’re just not too big for where you’re at. Let go of the need to keep yourself small. What would it take for you to experience the freedom your Spirit craves? What would it take for you allow yourself to be pulled to something else, pulled to where you’re intended to be?