I did it. I stepped out of my comfort zone. I’ve been struggling the past few days regarding a budget, things I need to address, such as getting the paperwork signed for my divorce and getting it filed, among other things. A few days ago, I started to address those things that I needed to, which took a huge step out of my comfort zone. But ultimately, after they were at least addressed – rather than being stuffed back into the trenches of my brain to hide, I truly did feel better. I felt a tremendous weight lifted off my shoulders. Of course this is all a process, but the first step out of my comfort zone to address these things was the first step to feeling great.
In buying the house, there is more pressure, more desire, more need now than any other time to get everything going and situated. My Realtor told me a couple weeks ago that the mortgage guy is expecting that I should be ready for pre-approval around November 1st. That is less than a month from now, and truth be told, I’ve done very little to proactively align the things that need to be. More pressure. More is the need for me to want to quietly slink back into the darkness of inaction and non-participation – even when it will allow me to achieve one of my biggest dreams. On Friday, I overcame all of that. There was great liberation in knowing that I was taking control of everything once and for all.
I felt like I finally had my shit together. I felt like, “Hey, you know? I really can do this. I can accomplish this. I’ve got this.”
And then came my setback. No sooner than I had stepped out of my cozy hiding place of avoidance came the urge to throw myself right back into it. Excited about following this “great budget” that I finally brought myself to develop and implement, I checked my account on Saturday morning to assess my funds after being paid. Fear and horror immediately ensued. Not only did I not have the $60 available that was somehow supposed to last for gas, groceries and incidentals for the next two weeks, I also didn’t have the $170 for my car payment, as well as being $70 short on my rent. The icing on the cake was the fact that that I was supposed to have the $180 for my daughter’s 16th birthday party that was being held just a few short hours later.
Everything came crashing down on me. My friend had me meet with her. I was willing but not looking forward to it, just because I knew what was coming. I knew that I would have to promise her that I would indeed not shut down, though I didn’t know how I could or would adhere to my guarantee to her. We met and talked. I laughed at the hysterics of the situation, I started raising my voice a bit, I got pissed off, I withdrew. She appeared to be tolerant of all of that, until I started to withdraw. Again she made me promise to not shut down.
Perhaps that was the greatest task of all.
I continually put it out there that it would work out, as anyone that has read any of my posts the past few days knows that it always works out. I think I’ve repeated those very words enough the past three days just enough to be nauseating. A bit later, after checking my bank account, I learned that my grandmother sent money to cover my daughter’s birthday party. That allowed me to have the funds available to cover rent as well as add a little bit to the gas and grocery fund. When picking up the food for the party, they didn’t have it ready as they should have – I got most of my money back and was able to add that to the gas and grocery fund. All in all, everything did in fact work out – except my car payment.
Due to my great ability to not address things as I should in the past, I had to get my car from one of those crappy buy here-pay here lots. Come Monday, if I didn’t have my car payment, it would be repossessed by Tuesday. I kept in alignment with knowing it always works out – my friend even threw the words in there for me during a couple conversations to reinforce it. But now came more pressure, more being unsure, more desperate pleading instead of affirming that it would work out as the time drew near. Once again, I thought I would know what it would look like – or what I wanted it to look like.
I was so absolutely confident that the solution would present itself to me and I wouldn’t have to resort to the act I was really avoiding – asking for the money. I was sure that the way would be clear.
The Course states, “The way is not hard, but it is very different. Yours is the way of pain, of which God knows nothing. The way is hard indeed, and very lonely. Fear and grief are your guests, and they go with you and abide with you on the way. But the dark journey is not the way of God’s Son. Walk in light and do not see the dark companions, for they are not fit companions for the Son of God, who was created of light and in light. The Great Light always surrounds you and shines out from you. How can you see the dark companions in a light such as this? If you see them, it is only because you are denying the light. But deny them instead, for the light is here and the way is clear.”
“Yours is the way of pain”…”fear and grief are your guests”…”the light is here and the way is clear”.
My way was yet another mode of avoidance. My way was born of pride. My way was allowing the Universe to provide, while I shrunk away from any amount of action at all. My way would have allowed me to hide so quietly within the shadows of my comfort zone. My way would have let my car get repossessed tomorrow.
In driving to my friend’s house tonight, I was quickly approaching the place I wanted to avoid the most – the place where I knew my solution could be found. The place where the people were that I knew would be able to help – if only I could bring myself to once again step out of my comfort zone to take action and ask. As I passed the place they were and as I looked at their cars as I drove by, I heard a calm little voice inside my head tell me, “You know what you need to do.”
Against my own best wishes, I made a u-turn and headed back, I had no other options. Once I got there, it took a few minutes, but I did it. I took action and I asked. I asked and I received.
The best part is that I’m okay. It didn’t hurt, I didn’t meet confrontation, judgement or criticism. I met love and the willingness of others to help me.
This whole ordeal is more about taking action and less about having to ask for a personal loan. This entire instance has taught me that I can rely on Spirit to provide – given I take the necessary steps to allow it to be. It will always work out if I am proactive in achieving what needs to be worked out. I cannot expect to be provided for if I am just wanting a handout. Yes, I need to be willing to offer up my burdens. Yes, I need to be able to step out of the way. But yes, I need to be able to recognize when it’s time for me to do my part. Doing my part means that I absolutely cannot continue to let life pass me by as I hold resentment at the fact that my life is a living hell. Doing my part means I absolutely cannot avoid anything, I absolutely cannot shut down. Doing my part requires work; it requires stepping out of my comfort zone and into action.