A few months ago I decided that I would learn to live in the mystery.
It was an idea suggested by my friend, Nancy. I often struggle with what comes next. I question what my next move should be. I fear what lies beyond any present moment and feel the need to not only anticipate what’s coming, but also control it. It’s a vicious cycle to be caught up in.
Within that cycle fear and anxiety is born and perpetuates. Within that cycle I find insecurity. Within that cycle I find the desire to go into shut down mode because when I finally realize I cannot possibly know what to anticipate, when I finally know that I can’t control it, I become so overwhelmed in the details that I can’t process any of it. And I fear it.
I now know that my circumstance is born of that fear that I project. I know that my outward chaos is only a reflection of the chaos that resides within. In talking with her last night I made the realization that I hold myself in circumstance, no matter how dysfunctional, due to the fact that I fear potential regret of the decision to remove myself from that circumstance. The long and short of it, I’m afraid of leaving my comfort zone and regretting having done so.
I realize it’s not the circumstance itself that binds me. Whether it’s leaving a job, whether it’s terminating a relationship, or whatever else I might be faced with – it’s not the circumstance that holds me there, it’s the fear of regretting making a decision to leave. It’s the fear of never being able to turn back once it’s done. It’s the fear of making the wrong decision. It’s the fear of realizing the grass may not be greener and maybe, just maybe, things could have been just fine had I been able to settle. Perhaps things weren’t that bad after all. And then there’d be regret. I am afraid of regretting what I’ve lost.
I notice now this also involves attachment and the inability to let go. I notice now that I hold myself hostage. I notice now that I inhibit my own growth. I notice now that I hold myself back from the potential of being my best and having the best. I hold myself back from the ability to have choice and exercise that right.
I did mean it when I took her up on her suggestion to embrace the mystery. I flaunted something of finding the mystery exciting and compelling. I proclaimed that I was welcoming the mystery and making it my friend.
But although I meant it, I don’t know that I completely understood it. Of course, I understood it intellectually, but I don’t think I was yet able to fully embody the concept. I find now that I am not only willing, but wanting, to let go so that opportunity can find me. I find now that I don’t want to look to someone or something to save me, I want to be the one to save me. I find now that I hold little attachment to all that doesn’t serve me and encourage growth. I find now that I am through holding myself back out of fear.
I told her tonight, “When I get my life straightened out, then perhaps…” It was a statement made in passing but held so much value. They were words that I had not expected and something rang in those words indicating that I am ready. There was something in those words that indicated that there will be life beyond this present moment and the thought wasn’t fearful, it was comforting. I don’t need, or want, someone or something else to save me. I don’t have to control it, it will come once I am able to let go.
When I said those words I realized that I am finally focused on me and not everything and everyone else. When I said those words I knew that I was no longer hanging on to those other things. That is when I knew that I am okay with stepping out of my comfort zone and mediocre circumstance and there is nothing to fear and nothing to regret. I want to take it as it all comes. I want to let my highest and best find me. I want to free myself so I can be surrounded in that opportunity of more and better.
The Course states, “Until you realize you give up nothing, until you understand there is no loss, you will have some regrets about the way you have chosen. And you will not see the many gains your choice has offered you. Yet though you do not see them, they are there. Their cause has been effected, and they must be present where their cause has entered in.”
There is no loss. There is no regret. I am no longer a hostage to myself. I am free. I am brave. I truly am ready to live in the mystery.