Child of peace, the light has come to you.  The light you bring you do not recognize, and yet you will remember.

– A Course In Miracles, T-22.VI.6

I held on today.  I clung tightly to her presence, unwilling to let go; unwilling to leave the energy I desperately needed to leech.

The darkness comes and goes.  I wish I could say its onset is at least a bit predictable.  I wish that I could say that its onset could at least be based upon something.  She asked me several times, “What’s wrong?”  Not once could I come up with an answer other than, “Nothing.  Nothing is wrong.”

Though it’s only been just shy of a year that I’ve officially been studying the New Thought philosophy, I’ve held many of the same beliefs for as long as I can remember, even going back to childhood.  But, there is some part of me that thinks I have to be stubborn.  There is some part of me that believes I shouldn’t have to face this darkness within me.  There is some part of me that believes, and knows, it’s not real.  But it won’t go away.  I can’t get it to go away, no matter how hard I try.  This is the stubborn me that refuses to go to the doctor to get medication.  Sometimes it helps, other times not.

I don’t want to have to rely on it.  I don’t want to feel weak.  I don’t want to be dependent.  I want to be okay…and happy, because I know that I am okay and happy; all without the assistance of a daily pill.

Prisoners bound with heavy chains for years, starved and emaciated, weak and exhausted, and with eyes so long cast down in darkness they remember not the light, do not leap up in joy the instant they are made free. It takes a while for them to understand what freedom is.

– A Course In Miracles, T-20.III.9 

She constantly reminds me it’s an evolution.  I don’t want to evolve, I want it to be done.  I want perfection, I want light, I want love, I want joy and peace.  I don’t want pain, I don’t want to suffer.  I want to experience happiness.  I want it now.

I’d find peace knowing it all meant something.  I’d find comfort knowing the darkness had a function.  Perhaps I’ll never know why I slip so easily into it, even when everything is okay.    For now I just learn to carry on and do what I can to embrace the light within me.