“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.”

– Lao Tzu

Although this post won’t publish until tomorrow morning, as I write this, it’s been exactly thirteen days since my last post.  In the past, by this point I’d have allowed the burden of keeping up appearances and providing content to make sure I can keep at least half an audience overwhelm me.  In the past, by now I’d have stressed myself out on the demands of writing so that I could do what any “good blogger” does and give the masses something to read.  It seems that I’ve learned to let that all go.

The more I’ve actually stopped to think about it, the more I’ve realized that I’ve only had a handful of posts from this month and new year, I’ve only half booked a photo shoot and I’ve only painted on one occasion.

Could it be that I’ve given up on my dreams, intentions and New Year’s resolutions already?  Hardly.  In fact, I spent an entire Saturday making a digital version of a vision board in order to help set my intentions of the goals that I will achieve this year.  Anyone that knows me, the Universe included, is well aware of the fact of what I want to do with my life; who I want to be; who I am deep down inside that is just itching to claw itself out.  And with that being said, I know it’s coming.

I’ve had to let go of who and what I was so that I can become who and what I’m meant to be.  I can’t keep stressing out on things.  I can’t continue to analyze every single detail of how anything and everything is going to work out.  I can’t continue with worry and doubt.  That’s all the old me.  That’s the me that was attempting to keep myself small and demonstrate reluctance to everything – even the things that I want.

“Until your knees finally hit the floor, you’re just playing at life, and on some level you’re scared because you know you’re just playing.  The moment of surrender is not when life is over.  It’s when it begins.”

– Marianne Williamson

Perhaps this is where faith has stepped in.  Perhaps this is where my knees have finally hit the floor.  Let me throw in the idea of it’s not up to me to figure it all out.  Of course I need to perform, of course I need to work at it, but what I need to do most is learn happiness, letting go and having faith.  I’ve recognized the trend in my life that when I am finally able to rest easy that it all comes to me when it’s most unexpected.  There have been so many things:  feelings, habits, ways of thinking, ways of being, that I’ve had to learn to let go of to make room for a new me.  A real me.  An authentic me.  A happy me.

That’s where I’m at.  It’s been so hard letting go of the me that most people didn’t like, myself included.  It’s been so hard unlearning the habits of anger and depression and wanting to shutdown when I let it all overwhelm me.  How can anything good possibly come to me with a disposition such as that?  I’ve spent the better part of the past twenty years trying to pull myself out of that.  I think I finally have.  I’m resting easy, finding my happiness and learning to let go and have faith.

“Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it.”

– Unknown