I finally did it – I completely lost my shit.
I was driving like a bat out of hell. My car tires screeching with each hard stop and hugging each corner as if the rubber and curb was caught in some sensual embrace. My screaming pierced the peaceful night air and I could hear my words echo off the buildings and come back to me.
I can’t recall the last time I was this pissed off.
I have a terrible temper, though it’s usually in check. I takes a lot to get me that angry. A lot.
“What do you mean you don’t understand why you have to say thank you?! You say thank you because that’s what an effing decent, compassionate human being does! They say thank you!”
It really was quite an ordeal. It was a tipping point for me – the lack of understanding on the other person’s part of what a simple “thank you” means and why saying “thank you” is necessary. How could something so simple be misunderstood?
It’s. Such. A. Basic. Concept.
And now that the hissy fit is over, I have a chance to sit and be still. I have my Higher Self seemingly tapping on my mind’s door begging to come in. The cool, calm, collective voice of the Divine inside me taunts my brain with words of wisdom and clarity.
A few nights ago I started sitting in meditation a little bit before bedtime, calling forth my Higher Self so I can ask what my lesson should be for the next day. My lesson for Tuesday was that each time I encountered conflict, I was to remember there are lessons in each difficult situation and that the conflict serves no other purpose. On Wednesday, my Higher Self urged me to practice patience. Today’s lesson was dropping judgment and quitting the mind chatter; being open to Guidance and actually stopping to listen to it.
Surprisingly, the lesson on patience was the easiest of the three.
I breezed through each impatient moment yesterday, once I was able to call myself out on my own shit. There’s no better feeling than getting all worked up and being able to immediately stop in the middle of it and remember to calm yourself and pull out of it. Being a radically impatient person my entire life, I feel that I accomplished a lot yesterday.
But today’s lesson on listening for Guidance was more difficult. I’d let my mind start in with its BS and there I would be tumbling down into the rabbit holes. “Silly rabbit.” I beat myself up over a few things during the day, found anger, disdain, judgment. It was finally evening time before I allowed myself to sit in silence and let Guidance come to me before getting all worked up first.
As I sit here, now calm, now still, I open the door to my Higher Self and hear the whisper, “You teach most what you need to learn.” It might actually be the voice of Nancy, rather than my Higher Self, as I’ve heard her say it a hundred times or more. But either way, I recognize it as the Guidance I need.
I stop and ponder thank you’s. I stop and think on gratitude. It is such a simple concept.
Though, it’s a concept that I’ve not even mastered myself.
I have to admit I had the same thought during my tirade but wasn’t open to it. I think back to last November as I attempted Thirty Days of Gratitude. I don’t think it lasted a full two weeks before I found bitterness and gave up.
And as I remain open to the Guidance of my Higher Self, the Divine within me, I realize that before I even have the chance to settle into a quiet meditation and ask for it, I’m already being prompted for tomorrow’s lesson. Gratitude and thanks; the ability to be grateful even in situations and circumstances that challenge the practice.