Why does it not work out?

I had quite the phone conversation this evening.  Well, I don’t know that it was as much a conversation, rather the other person sitting on the other end of the phone while I experienced a flood of words that poured out of my mouth for nearly an hour.  Every once in a while I stopped to make sure the other person was still there and then the one-sided conversation would continue.

This is all on an evening that I was sure I was out of words for the day.

I think my verbal outpouring was more therapy than anything else.  Somehow I worked through so many things that I’ve been battling and really found some release in being able to just get it out.

I found release in the things that have been bothering me daily.  I sorted through some of the details that my ego refuses to let go of that bog me down.  I found direction, I found focus.  I found the purpose of it all.

I think I found a paved path of how to get where I want to be.

Near the end of the conversation, I questioned why things have not worked out over the past three years or so.  I’ve tried and tried, and failed.  Time and time again.  I tried to further myself in an area of life that I realize is just not me.  I tried to continue on a path that, sure, provides a great amount of stability, but also goes against all else that I need.

I mentioned in last night’s post that I came to the conclusion that it is necessary for my situation to stay the same for now.  But that is only because being in my current situation is necessary for other things that are just around the corner.  Before coming to that realization last night I felt trapped.  I felt I could not escape.  I was miserable being stuck in some perpetual hell that I couldn’t figure out how to pull myself out of.

My dear friend, Nancy, reminds me frequently, “It’s all unfolding perfectly.”  Yes, I think now I can finally agree with her, rather than spouting back some smart ass comment, “I’m glad you have faith in that.”

I’d like to think that the reason my efforts have failed for so long is that it’s just not what is supposed to be.  The Universe was telling me, “move on, move beyond, branch out – be yourself and do what you love.  Let it go and embrace what it is you truly want to do.”

After countless fruitless efforts and what I internalized as failure, I have to start questioning, “why?”  Why have I worked so hard and not been able to move forward?  Why, after building my life around this situation can I not progress?  Why does no one have faith in me?  Why does no one recognize all the great things I do?

It’s just not meant to be.  I no longer feel failure.  I no longer feel small.  I no longer feel unsupported, lost or trapped.  I feel so incredibly loved and know that the path is paved and awaiting my journey upon it.

I feel my life waiting for me as I come closer to it.

I posted last night, “I know good and well what I want and have done nothing short of making that perfectly and abundantly clear to the Universe.”  I just had to trust that the Universe was listening and have faith that it would happen.  Once I found faith, my eyes were opened to the possibility.  Once I opened up to faith, I could see it all unfolding and the steps I’ve taken to get where I’m going.

mentioned the other day that I am questioning everything.  Since then, I’ve found some angsty audacious individual inside me that is no longer settling for the status quo.  If it doesn’t work – I question it.  If it doesn’t feel right – I move on.  If I can’t figure it out – I let it go.

I move forward with peace of mind knowing that I am continually progressing and becoming the person God intends me to be.  I’m becoming the real me again.  I’m becoming who and what I want to be.