Holding on and letting go


Applying meaning – that’s what I do.  The practice of applying meaning, I am reminded, is of the ego.  It’s my need to control.  It’s my inability to let go, my inability to live in the mystery.

Everything holds meaning: events – past and present, circumstance, what-ifs.  All of it.  When you go through certain things in life, when you endure things that you shouldn’t have to, it seems that it is imperative to place meaning on some of the better things that have happened.  I find that sometimes in being sentimental (albeit often overly sentimental), it helps me to hold on to the good things, helps me let go of the bad.  It allows me to focus on things other than the pain of the past, sometimes helps me look past the pain and disappointment I think I might meet in the future.

Maybe somewhere in there I am looking for a fairy tale of sorts, perhaps some grand story of future events that can pull me out of the mediocrity of an average story that I’ve allowed my life to become.  Perhaps it’s a part of me rewriting the story of past chapters and attempting to author the chapters to come.  Perhaps it’s my attempt at setting the intention.

Letting go and being able to embrace the uncertainty is daunting.  Control versus faith.  Wishing versus acceptance of what is willed to be.  Thinking I know what it’s supposed to look like – or at the very least, what I would like it to look like.  I want to hope for something great, I want to expect something beautiful – and in doing so, I apply meaning to every aspect of what I would like to see and how I would like it to unfold.

Where lies the fine line of creating the story and applying meaning to those things that have no meaning?  Is this where I get in my way?  Willingness to let go, I am reminded that this too is necessary.  “It just is, let it be.”  How do I do so without losing hope?  How do I do so without letting go of an intention I am wanting to set?  How do I do so while creating my story?  How do I remain an active participant without applying meaning?  How do I do so when I want a fairy tale; when I want an epic story to flood the next chapters of my life?  How do I do so when I desire things so passionately?

How do I just let it be?