Where to start?
I can say that this post is forced – I am definitely forcing it. For the past week now I’ve been in a bad space. I’ve had issues that I have not successfully worked through. I have a lot in my head, a heavy heart and just not sure how to work through any of it.
In creating this site, I felt I had to remain strong. I felt I had to give the impression that everything is always okay. I had to maintain this front that life is always great. I’ve accomplished so much, especially since I was sick, but I also have been in a deep depression for many, many years – even many years prior to being sick. In writing I thought I could pull myself out of it, at least partly. There are often times I write that I don’t post here for the world to see and feel like a lot of it I cannot, or should not, share.
Writing, prior to 2008 when I was sick, was always some sort of magical therapy for me. Writing helps me process and work through what I’m dealing with. I’ve even been told before, “if you focused all your writing on good things, you would be great.”
But the truth of the matter is – it oftentimes defeats the purpose if I only write when things are great. Sure, I can find something to say, but then I lose my therapy. I lose my ability to process the things I need to process, I lose touch with that which is within me that I have to get out. But then I find myself trapped in a catch-22: that which you focus on expands.
So we look at a fine line of writing for therapy and concentrating on it to process things or focusing on the good things and writing about them. I realize that I’ve ditched this site, just as quickly as I created it. I’ve lost sight of the good things and have just been trying to get through the bad. I’ve been focusing on, and then blocking out the bad and have shut down.
The past week I have been struggling. I’ve been struggling with my relationships, struggling with money, struggling with this depression, struggling to hold it together. I’ve not been strong, I’ve not worked through anything, I’ve not healed anything that I’ve needed to heal for so very long. I sit in my head and take residence there, I unpack my bags and call it home – right there in my head with all the turmoil that I refuse to work through because it’s so much easier to block things out than to run head into them (as my friend Nancy likes to say).
“Turn toward the light for that little spark inside you is part of a Light so great that it can pull you out of all darkness forever.”
I lose the light. Often can’t find it. I don’t know which direction to turn so that I can see the light, be pulled out of the darkness and into it. I can’t figure it out and don’t know what to do. I’m stuck and don’t know how to get out.