It’s days such as these.
These days are becoming more frequent. These days are becoming more prominent. These days are starting to form the life that I’ve wished for for so long.
The days when I don’t have to search for it. The days in which it all comes so easily and naturally. The days in which I wake up and know that it’s all so very perfect.
I’ve spent the past several months trying to remember to find my gratitude first thing in the morning. Finding my gratitude, I’ve realized, helps center me, helps bring about an awareness of the perfection of life. I only had to remember to find gratitude in something, anything.
Most days, recently, I awake with gratitude shining down on me and I can’t help but to notice it, embrace it and live it.
Today I am grateful for the growing awareness that it’s not up to me – I only need to set the intention, play my part in stepping out of the way and living in the mystery of how the details will work themselves out. The details are not up to me – no matter how impossible they seem to be. My Friend, Nancy, reminds me frequently, “There is no order of difficulty for God.”
I am aware that I am fragile, I know that it is far too easy for me to step back into fear and find myself shutting down. I know most times I am weak. Especially being on the brink of so many perfect things unraveling in my life, I feel the need to protect myself – expect the worst and I can’t be disappointed.
I’ve done a lot of work the past several months: I’ve brought my demons out into the light for healing, I’ve confronted parts of me that I’ve been stuffing down for so very long – insecurity, anger, blame, shame, inferiority, fear. Daily I face the discomfort of the things that break me. But all that gets in the way. All those parts of me that I’ve been hanging onto for so long only perpetuates the cycle of my self-destruction, self-loathing and only leads to my being checked-out.
There is no need for it. I have no reason to carry any of that around with me. It’s time to heal and let go. At times I feel it creeping back in, but today I am grateful in knowing that none of that defines me anymore, none of that is relevant to the rest of my life. I don’t need any of that to protect me anymore.
Today I embrace gratitude in knowing that, not only do I have the ability to do so, but I am letting go of all that doesn’t serve me. It is my choice to let go – and I have.