This is one of the mornings in which I wake up and know that things aren’t alright. Of course, according to the philosophy I adhere to, New Thought, everything is perfect; though it’s not often that I take that mindset to heart. It’s not often that I truly feel it is.
I’ve been fighting it for several weeks now. I’ve been trying to hold on to whatever I can to keep my mind on other things. Yesterday, I finally got what I’ve needed so badly – downtime. And in that downtime I, too easily, claim the feelings that have been pushed aside.
This is why I keep myself so busy; running everywhere, packing my evenings with far too many to tasks to preoccupy myself as I near midnight each night, where I wear myself ragged so that I fall asleep far too early on those nights when there’s nothing to do so that I don’t lie awake and contemplate it all.
An idle mind is the devil’s playground.
I must clarify that I don’t hold to the typical Christian idea of the devil, but I do believe it represents darkness that opposes Truth and Light. It represents all that is uneasy within me, all the discord and discontent, all the darkness that consumes me as soon as it has the opportunity to do so.
I don’t do well with idle time. I don’t do well with having time to think or contemplate. I don’t do well with myself, when I am alone with myself.
I get reminded to write, paint, take pictures. I get reminded to let my creative self shine. I’m told that I’m much more happier when I’m being me. If only I could find the motivation to be me.
I said, “I just don’t know what to write about.” I do. I do know what to write about. I know what good things I could write about: affirmations on how it’s all so perfect and maybe at some point they will be. I know what I need to write about, which aren’t the good things, where I write for therapy and perhaps work through things.
I recognize now, perhaps I’ve done so in the past, that I only keep myself busy as yet another mode of avoidance. Where’s the happy medium? How do I step out of avoidance of anything? Either I’m here face to face with the darkness and I shut down to avoid it, or I’m so absolutely minute to minute with things to do in attempt avoid it. The only thing I can’t find myself doing is embracing it, confronting it.
I don’t want to embrace it. I don’t want to hold on to it. I don’t want the darkness.