I’m not sure the origin of the urge, but here I am writing. Even though I’ve been good at fighting off the nagging, it seems that today I’ve finally caved. And of course, coming into it with a few years of thoughts layered on my brain, I’m not quite sure where to start.
But it’s okay, I’ll take my time. I’ll take the next few days, or weeks – maybe even months – to explore what’s hidden so deep within. It feels good though, I recognize the difference between my past needs to write and the current. This is more of a sorting out, a hope at some sort of actualization, rather than the beating up of myself trying to pull soul out of the trenches.
I let this site go after awhile, maybe sometime January 2016. I was okay with that – I’ve gotten pretty good with letting the past be the past. Of course there’s always the possibility that I’m just in one of my great phases of apathy and avoidance, but really…it does feel different this time. (Even though the past few sentences seem more like a self-reassurance.) Though above all that, pulling my posts from the Way Back Machine, I really do see where I’ve grown and where I’m still hooked.
Reading back, I see that I was so desperately reaching for something. I don’t know what it was or if I ever found it. But again, I’m okay with that.
One of the most important things that I do know I’ve achieved is that I’m not so hooked on the details anymore. I feel maybe a bit, or a lot, more passive. I don’t know if that’s due to some amazing surrender to the Universe, or if I’ve really just learned that sense of unattachment, or maybe I’ve just learned to find peace in things I had previously been unable to. And even dissecting that, I realize the picking it apart doesn’t matter and I want to shy away from it. Too many details that don’t matter.
Some of the things I wanted so badly in my writings finally came to fruition. I also know there are so many things that went unsaid in my writings that aren’t here yet. And even the past few months in struggling with those things, I find right now, I am at peace and I know it’s okay. It always works itself out.
So in the late night that’s quickly coming to a close, I release the fear and anxiety of what’s to come. I embrace this next phase of exploration of myself and the Universe through writing. I remain open to guidance, of signs, of calm when I hit those rocky parts. I promise myself to not get caught up in details and most importantly, not give up on myself.
Life is evolution through exploration and I embrace it. Whole-heartedly.