I’m a fairly simple person – it doesn’t take a lot to make me happy. I enjoy simple things – I find happiness and beauty in the small things, the things mostly taken for granted. Some call me a treehugger (I do love trees), some call me a hippie, some think I’m weird, careless and impulsive. Some call me a bit too idealistic, unrealistic, naive.
Me? I think I’m just me – but now, a somewhat lost me. I’ve had to endure some things, have had to struggle and battle some things. I’ve had my share of obstacles. I’ve grown a bit hard, a bit cold. I’ve definitely turned wit into harsh, and often hurtful, sarcasm, I’ve grown cynical and suspicious. But I know none of that is me.
A few years back I decided I no longer liked the idea of religion, I no longer liked the idea that some god out there, somewhere, would choose to judge people, punish people, allow people to endure torture and pain. I decided to blame god for all the wrong that’s been done to me and found it easier to just not believe in a god at all. I became an atheist and held that very close. Although I sometimes still struggle with the thought of there being some god out there, I know there has to be something.
There has to be some type of higher intelligence that is love, peace and calm. There has to be some beautiful reason for everything that is. I often had ideas about how a pure god would be, but felt alone in my thinking. I thought perhaps my ideas were far-fetched. Perhaps my ideas about god were “out-there” and I was the only one that could think a god like this existed – a god just like the god I imagined and wished there could be.
In what I consider a miraculous set of events, I finally found others that hold the same sort of beliefs I did. A set of beliefs that allows me to be human, imperfect and allows me to be who I am without prompting me to change a thing about me, all while reminding me that I have that Divine Essence right inside of me. I found a community that embraces the idea that we are a part of the Divine and even though I’m human and imperfect – that I truly am a perfect expression of God. I am the love of God, the non-judgment of God, the peace of mind of God – I have all that right here inside me, because I am born of God and I am beautiful.
I attend a weekly group at my Center (“church”) in which we study A Course In Miracles. I now consider the leader, facilitator, of this group a very close friend – we talk a lot and she teaches me beautiful things. She reminds me everyday just how blessed and perfect I am, once all the other layers of who I am not, fall away. We often talk after our weekly meeting, sometimes for hours. I was having one of my not so good days: I was trying to combat some of my depression and anxiety, some of my doubt about who I really am- I was in the midst of judgment and condemnation of myself and she quoted one of the most beautiful things to me:
“Turn toward the light, for the little spark in you is part of a Light so great that it can sweep you out of all darkness forever.”
This is a quote from A Course In Miracles and I fell in love with it immediately. It reminds me that there is so much more outside of me that is everything, but that everything is also within me. It is a reminder that I am never abandoned, never alone and that I am purely and truly loved by God, by that Light so great. I refer to it often, sometimes several times a day – and when I am having one of my bad days and lose sight of it myself, my very close friend tells me to remind me. Sometimes she teases me with these words and I become resentful of them and cynical, just until I remember that she’s right.
I’m just trying to let all those layers of who I’m not fall away. I’m just trying to remember who and what I am. I’m just trying to remember that I am loved and never alone, that I am a part of something so much greater.
I’m just learning and trying to remember to Turn Toward the Light.