I need to get out of this cage. Need to escape this trap, even if it is just a mental one. I have good days but it all just comes back. I’m not depressed, I’m just sick of the beat down. I’m ready to walk away from everything and everyone – and be done.
Sometimes I feel that nothing will ever make me happy, only myself… and I know that. I shouldn’t look to anyone or anything else to make me happy. But if it’s only me that can accomplish that – why can I not accomplish it?
Grievances – perhaps I should figure out what they are, as My Friend mentioned a few months ago. I need to take action. I need to focus on the aspects of life that will make me happy. I do need to walk away from many things, many ideas. I need to start over.
What does it take to be happy? She tells me, “A decision to be so.”
I even say it myself all the time, “I can choose again.” I do choose again. I try so hard but my efforts often are fruitless. My efforts often yield nothing more than a band-aid to cover the little wound that never seems to heal.
How is it so easy for me to get wrapped up in the details of things that I always seem to apply meaning to that which doesn’t even seem to matter. A couple weeks ago I attended a leadership workshop at my Center that was hosted by Rev. Dr. Kenn Gordon, who is the Spiritual Leader for the Centers for Spiritual Living. He mentions keeping our eye on the vision and not getting distracted by the details. It seems so difficult when the vision never seems to come.
Let go. Give up the details and let go. Choose again. I choose happiness. I embrace the happiness that is coming to me. I embrace the mystery in how and when it will happen. I have faith that it will be soon.